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Good Enough

9/19/2014

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My room here in Kingston is small. It is on the third floor so the windows are parallel with the roof, which basically means that they’re slanted. (They’re actually quite cool! The big one opens up instead of out and has stairs leading up to it. You can sit on the window seal and see for miles!). It is the only room in my flat that cannot fit a double bed and the “desk” is really just a chair in front of a high shelf. 

When my roommates and I realized that one of the rooms was significantly larger than another we began the great debate of who was going to get which room. One girl is studying fashion design and, very fairly, pointed out that she will need room for her mannequin, sewing stuff, fabric, and space so she can spread out and work. As a business student my lack of supplies cannot argue with her abundance of them. After we all proclaimed that we needed any room BUT the smallest room I put my big girl britches on and claimed this oversized closet.

Over the past week I have been able to make it more homely and less sterile (The creme walls and light tan floors are only SLIGHTLY darker than a hospital white, the pictures make them look more yellow than they really are. Don't be fooled). 

I have spent a few hours perched on the stairs under the window with Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly (which is fabulous may I add). In the very first chapter she discusses our “culture of scarcity.” We are taught that we are never enough, we never have enough, we can never do enough and this leads to a variety of problems. Couple this scarcity culture with some good ol' consumerism and we pile on the belongings and feelings of unworthiness like a fat kid at the toppings bar in SweetFrogs. We either give up all hope or, worse, become a perfectionist.

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Brené explains that in order to live a more fulfilled life we must be content with “good enough.” We must recognize that not everyone is going to like us, and that we may not have the skills for a certain task. The happiest people are the ones who are content with a few imperfections. They do their best and when it is enough they set their boundaries and go about life. They do not obsess over every detail. They do not stare in their flatmates’ rooms with envy. 

As a perfectionist I find it INCREDIBLY hard to be content with “good enough.” There is ALWAYS something else that could have been done. Perfectionism only leads to stress and anxiety. As 20-somethings we must try to set these boundaries before they’re even laid. If we do this I think we’ll find happiness a little more quickly. 

I have looked at my flatmates rooms and I have to say one thing with honest conviction. My room is just enough for me. 
My friends will have to sleep on the couch when they visit from the States and I probably couldn’t have an early morning yoga session in here. But it fits all of the things that I brought over and theres even a little bit of room in the wardrobe for the booties I’ve been eyeing in town. I'm ready to travel this road of "enough" to become happier and my oversized closet is just enough for me. Will you take this road with me? I promise it'll be worth it. 





I'm sure there will be more posts discussing Brené's book (This small blurb does not even BEGIN to describe her research); however, if you're interested in learning more about her and her work on vulnerability here on some great links: 
Blog
TedTalk 
Book


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Love Your Body

7/14/2014

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As a 20-something woman there are a few things we must realize in regards to beauty and body size: 
     1) There are younger girls looking up to us for guidance. We are the ones teaching them how to find value in their bodies. We are the ones teaching them what beautiful is. 
     2) You are too old to be swayed by the media. If you are not questioning the images in the media, then you did not learn enough in college. If you should learn one thing in college it is to think for yourself and question the things around you. 
      3) Its time to grow up. You can no longer blame anybody else for your own health or body issues. 

I have struggled with body dismorphia issues since the 7th grade. Almost ten years later I have this to say: we need to stop teaching girls that beauty is equated with body size and I mean all body sizes. Skinny is not necessarily pretty nor is it always healthy. Some people ARE more petite than others. They may also have a faster metabolism, but it is an injustice to teach them that they are beautiful because they are small. This is not always the case, but they could potentially be engaging is some very unhealthy practices that keep their body that size.

On the other hand, it’s an even bigger injustice to teach girls that are overweight or obese that their bodies are beautiful. I think that these girls are mentally healthy and I will support confidence in your body size until the day I die; however, these girls are not physically healthy. They are potentially killing themselves very, very slowly. They’re increasing their risks of diabetes, hypertension and other diseases. I also don’t want to support a super muscular body as beautiful either. These athletes put a lot of stress on their bodies and may not be able to maintain that sort of lifestyle for a lifetime.

In fact, I don’t want to support ANY body size as beautiful because at the end of the day each person defines beauty in a slightly different way. Yes, there are cultural norms, but everyone’s brain is programmed differently and we must recognize that.
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What I DO want to support is health. Physical and mental health. A healthy weight. A healthy heart. Healthy muscles and joints. Healthy confidence levels. A healthy amount of self-esteem. 

This is a cliché, but the sooner it becomes a truth in your mind the better, we come in all shapes and sizes. Thigh gaps are almost solely determined by the width of your hip bones. There are many of us who will NEVER have one.

I’m not going to tell you to lose weight. Or that you need to be a certain size. I’m also not going to tell you that you need to be able to run a half-marathon or deadlift more than you weigh. I AM going to tell you to eat more healthy foods, to workout in some way. Whatever YOU like and whatever will help YOU be the healthiest version of yourself. Get out there and move your body. You don’t have to go on the paleo diet or do crossfit 6 days a week to be healthy. Eat ice cream or cake or your favorite candy every once in a while. Just don’t eat them all the time. You’ll actually come to enjoy them more. Eat with your appetite (i.e. when you’re hungry).

Don’t worry about your weight. It is just a number, especially if you do start lifting weights. You won’t lose a lot of weight because you’ll be gaining muscle, but your body WILL change. I promise all you size 0s that you can pick up a bar and not look like a muscle woman. Lifting weights will NOT make you bulky unless you intend it to. It takes a very specific diet plan to make you really bulk up.

Yes, I did crossfit (still do it when I get the chance). I really enjoy running and yoga and just moving in general. I have a lot of energy and exercise is the easiest way for me to get rid of it. I do also attempt to eat healthy on a regular basis, but I also eat ice cream and drink wine every week. My only “diet” is eating healthy foods and restricting fast foods. I don’t weigh myself. Period. Point black. End of story. I refuse to define my value by a number on a machine. After these ten years of struggling with my body I have learned that when I focus on my health and not being a certain size, weight, or even “beautiful” that I am the happiest.

I hope you can find the same happiness in your own health. 
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Spending Time Alone

6/30/2014

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In our overly connected world we have lost the art of solitude; the ability to simply exist in a space by ourselves without the need or even urge to interact with other humans. The 20-something generation and the ones who have come after us are constantly connected in such a manner that it is almost sin-like to not be communicating directly or indirectly with another person. We are scared to spend time alone. When we ARE alone we are texting, calling, tweeting or posting. I’m not sure if this should even be considered being “alone.” We must spend time with ourselves every so often. To spend time loving and knowing yourself is, perhaps, one of life’s greatest victories.
Learn to be alone and to like it. There is nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company. ---- Mandy Hale 
Being alone allows you to take off that mask that we all wear. You know the one that is your “true self”? Or sometimes it’s the “fake it until I make it” mask. We can completely relax and allow our emotions to come forth. You don’t have to smile for anybody. You don’t have to worry about etiquette and you don’t have to wear a bra or underwear for that matter. Being alone allows us to love ourselves. We can finally focus on our own mental health and simply breathe. When you can be alone, then you can be with others without using them. They are not a consistent crutch, nor a means of escape. 

Some things are truly better alone. While they are also really great with other people I think that we should all spend time dining, sitting in a coffee shop, and traveling without any intentional company. By the time that your 20-something decade has come to an end you should be able to eat in a sit down restaurant by yourself and not feel uncomfortable. Of course, the first time will be awkward, but after a few more times you’ll come to enjoy ordering whatever you want and feeling the independence of paying for it yourself.  A meal is quite different when enjoyed alone. 

That goes for a hot cup of coffee as well. Coffee shops are meant for both the socialites and the lone wolves. Every so often break away from the pack and adventure on your own. Sit in a quiet corner of your favorite coffee shop and journal, read, or simply watch the world go by. I make a point of finding an obscure, organic, or beautiful coffee shop in all the cities I visit. I find sitting alone with a good cup of coffee and my journal to be the most freeing thing I experience. The quiet time you spend with your own cup of dark ambrosia may be the most important thing you do all week. 

I also urge you to travel alone at some point. Travel far and wide and, then, do it by yourself. 
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I flew to Paris by myself last summer. I didn’t speak French and couldn’t even book a hotel room until I got there. It was the scariest and most incredible adventure I have ever been on. Paris stands out in my mind like no other city because I saw it alone. I chose my daily schedule. I chose what and where I ate. I didn’t have to listen to anyone complain when I walked an hour and a half in the wrong direction down the Seine. I got to truly experience Paris and determine what it meant to ME and nobody else. I now have the desire to return to that beautiful city with someone else and show them the Paris that I found. Traveling alone allows you to make the city or country your own. It becomes a place of refuge and not a place of escape.

Finding time to have solitude will lead you to greater independence and a greater sense of self. Put down your cell phone. Grab a journal or a good book to read and experience YOU. 
What do you like to do alone? How does spending time for yourself contribute to your overall mental health?
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    Author: MoRiah

    20 Something. Traveler. Student. Adult? 

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